Decision Based Parenting

My oldest son is entering the uncharted waters of middle school. While this is not new territory for some, it is for his parents. So, after having just begun to get our hands around the prepubescent phase of life, we are preparing ourselves to be subjected to a surge of hormonal decision making.

Our parenting philosophy to this point has been shaped by Sun Tzu’s Art of War, primarily his mandate to “appear strong, when you are weak”.

Ok. Not really.

Actually, we have always encouraged our boys to recognize that life is based on decisions or choices. I cannot tell you how many times I have said, “You chose this punishment, when you ___________ to me/your brother/your mom.” In an attempt to help them recognize that they have the power of decision, regardless of the circumstance.

Relational elements such as grace, joy, hope, and love can be easily confused as emotions. However as followers of Jesus, these elements are also known as evidence of the Holy Spirit. This evidence is never more obvious as when an element shows up in an unexpected circumstance. ( For incredible insight into this, please grab a copy of my sister-in-laws new book The Hardest Peace. ).

Grace where there is incredible hurt.

Joy in the midst of pain.

Hope in dire circumstances.

Love in every circumstance.

I want our boys to know that if you make a choice to love someone, the Holy Spirit will help you do it and, as a byproduct of this choice, change your heart to actually feel love for them.

Associated with this value is that while we are stuck with the consequences of our decisions, we can still choose our attitude as we endure the consequence.

Repentance when we have hurt someone.

Joy when we are suffering.

Hope in painful times.

Love at all times.

Again, Jesus is so gracious to support us in this with the help of the Spirit.

The second truth I want them to live out is related to the principal of compounding pain. This is the idea that a bad decision, if unattended, will begin to snowball. This has been the basis for 91% of every sitcom episode since I Love Lucy. I want my boys to recognize that if you make a poor choice there is a very short window of time where you have the ability to further compound the pain associated with the choice or the ability to make it right. One of my consistent prayers for them is that they will make the right decision, even when it is hard. My hope is that learning the basic values surrounding decision making at a young age will foster healthy decision making as adults.

Hormones have complicated our plan (at least at first blemish).

And yet, the more we have thought about our parenting strategy, the more we realized that the injection of these extra hormones is Jesus’ way to allow for more “real life” decision making environments. I mean, how many healthy 14 year olds are “stressed” out and anxious about how the next mortgage payment will be met.

But when they are hopped up on natural HGH and don’t make the cut on the team they wanted to be a part of, it can feel like the world is ending. If, during this season, parents can come alongside, and assist in providing encouragement and support in the decision making process, when that same 13 year old is now 35 and loses their job, the hope is that their “response” will be a choice that re-energize their faith in God’s plan and purpose for their life.

However if mom and dad step out (read… check out) at this critical juncture, the maturity process is delayed and unhealthy, self focused patterns will be established. Just as bad, on the other end of the spectrum, if mom and dad overly protect the child from encountering these traumatic experiences then you end up with the 35 year old son, not too worried about losing his job, because he is still living rent free in the basement of his parent’s house.

You laugh…

How big is your basement?

It is your choice.